Dividing and Conquering Computers

I've seen a lot of different desktop computers in the few years that I've been interested in them. Besides the major name brands, Dell, Gateway, HP, and Apple, and the little brands that think they're major, but really aren't, like eMachines and the laughable PeoplePC, there are scores of custom "OEM" or "whitebox" computers (OEM stands for something, but the expanded version makes less sense than the abbreviation). They're all usable as computers in most senses (except for those produced by the mid-1990's company "Leading Edge", which was anything but), but can be divided into different classes.

Most common in schools and small businesses are the "Cheap OEM" ones. They're usually in a nondescript white or beige case, maybe with a little sticker proudly announcing the company that put them together. These pretty much always run an operating system two generations behind the most modern one - these days that's Windows 98 (Virtually 100% of the "Wildcat Lab" PCs fit into this category last semester). Not that that's a bad thing; Windows 98 should be adequate for most of the "Cheap OEM" computer activities, which are Word Processing (usually with a version of Word two generations behind the most modern; this market is consistent), E-mail, Internet, and of course, Solitaire. Depending on the budget of the institution or individual that purchased these, they may catch on fire or die in an impressive shower of sparks - this is caused by buying power supplies that made by manufacturers, that, when researched, may or may not still exist. A second cause is using motherboards by the manufacturer PCChips - according to statistics I just made up, this company is responsible for 72% of office fires, and 84% of its employees have links to Nazi Germany. There are companies that make good parts for these computers, but many purchasing decisions are based on saving $11 on the total system price.

Next most common is the "Dude You're Getting A Dell!" ones. These are of course the computers you see advertised with varying levels of annoying-ness on television, by Dell, HP, Gateway, and the now defunct Compaq. The advertisements for these make it sound like you're going to get "blazing" speed out of these computers, but in reality they cause 92% fewer fires than machines in the previous category. The low-end models are pretty much "Cheap OEM" computers in black or gray cases and more reliable power supplies, and logos slapped on most of the surface area of the machine. The motherboards are higher quality, produced by companies like MSI, ECS, VIA, DFI, IBM, CIA, FBI, NATO, NAFTA, USDA, and other collections of Capital Letters. Unlike PCChips, these companies have employee softball teams, rather than employee Baby-Seal-Clubbing Teams. The first rule of thumb is when buying a "Dude You're Getting a Dell" PC is to discount any adjectives the commercial mentions - Solitaire games are going to look identical to those on any other computers, despite the "vibrant" and "breathtaking" graphics. Better models are usually pretty good computers, as long as you disable the multitude of "Support Call!" and overly exuberant "FREE AOL TRIAL!!!!!!!!!" services that come installed on them (The number of exclamation points indicates the level of desperate-ness AOL has for customers. At the height of the recent recession, AOL trials installed on Gateway computers used upwards of 67). You'll pretty much always end up with the most modern operating system if you buy a new computer from this category; at the moment, it's Windows "XP". The "XP" stands for "2001".

Less common are Apple Macintosh computers, often popular with hippies and art teachers. Mac supporters are quick to point out the virtues of Apple technology - their RISC-based processors are much faster than CISC-based chips at the same clock speeds, the user interface has had over 20 years of innovation and improvement, the MacOS is much more secure than any Windows operating system, they are incredibly easy to use, they cure AIDS, they end hunger in 3^rd world countries, they come in those pretty pastel colors, and etc.. Some of that may be true (The drought in Ethiopia ended with the introduction of the first iMac), but the harsh reality is that they are really expensive (although amazing technologically, the GDP of Ethiopia is slightly less than the price of new Macintosh G5s), run an incredibly small number of applications (although 84% of these work, as opposed to around 34.6% for Windows applications), and those pastel colors get annoying after a few weeks. Solitaire is also usually hard to locate. New Macs are very cool for big chores like multimedia and video editing, but Ancient Macs (those produced before they introduced the Pretty Pastel Color technology) are better suited to less processor-intensive tasks, like serving as doorstops.

There are of course computers in other categories; there are servers, palmtop, laptop, tabletop, walltop, floortop, and others, but their markets play by entirely different rules. For example, laptop computers follow the popular model of Make The Parts Ridiculously Nonstandard And Impossible To Buy, Maintain, or Repair. Most serious servers run variants of the Unix operating system (which is extremely secure and stable, but impossible to learn, since it was developed in the late 1600's). There are other servers that run Microsoft Windows operating systems, but Unix servers just make fun of them at office parties, and put "Kick Me!" signs on their backs when they aren't looking. Palmtop computers are newer and still being perfected; 44% of those using these computers have hands that have turned into arthritic stumps.

In summary, there are lessons to be learned when shopping for a new computer. One has to compare the different features and benefits of the different models of the different brands in the different categories with the different prices indifferently to make a good decision. When buying a Mac, it's also important to make sure the colors match your living room. And although it's tempting to save money with a PCChips motherboard, make sure you have an adequate sprinkler system installed.