Turn the Radio Off

Records, 8-tracks, tapes, and compact discs are all great; they allow you to experience a pleasurable arrangement of notes and chords and lyrics "on demand", whenever you want, provided that they don't listen to it with the volume way up when the other people in the building are wanting to sleep. You can use headphones in that case. It's a great setup. However, there's just something about seeing the real band play your favorite songs. Unless it's a tour by some washed up oldies band that has maybe one member who was around when the band's songs were popular, and they're playing county fairs or something; then, it's just sad.

Being able to properly experience a concert is a complex process. First, you have to become aware of a concert coming to your area. This is usually left up to the band or their "promoter", of course. They have many methods of delivery, like posters, advertisements in newspapers, on billboards, magazines, and with obnoxious radio announcers with bad sound effects and lame slogans that get repeated approximately 3,600 times per hour. There's also that Internet thing. Whatever the means, once you become aware of the upcoming venue, you have to proceed to the next step, getting tickets.

Generally, concert promoters want to make money on their event, not lose it. So, they require some sort of confirmation that someone has paid the proper fee before they allow them to come see the event. This usually comes in the form of a ticket, unless you somehow get "on the list" to go backstage. You can usually buy tickets from the concert location, but unless you live near it, that can be problematic. So, this group of people formed TicketMaster, which has a mission of compiling tickets from all over, and selling them over the phone and Internet, and also charging ridiculous amounts of money for "handling." They also charge ridiculous amounts of money for "shipping," even though tickets are generally not very bulky items that need more than one stamp (they have improved since the original Stone Age era tickets, which were engraved on granite tablets). Thanks to modern technology, there's also an option to print your own tickets after you've bought them, but the last time I bought from them they still charged shipping. I'm sure that makes sense to someone in the world. If you are reluctant to purchase tickets from this sort of outlet, you can maybe win a pair of tickets from hourly contest with the irritating radio announcers. This, however, entails, listening to the announcers, so it's often easier just to pay $6 for TicketMaster to mail tickets.

Once tickets are secured, arranging transportation to the right place is imperative. Pick the best driver out of the group of people going to the show, or the one who is least likely to object to buying gasoline. Getting there on time is a major issue as well, so don't pick someone who will drive too slowly, or someone who will drive too quickly and cause time-intensive traffic accidents. Arrive at the venue at least an hour before the show is supposed to star. Usually the "doors open" around then, but generally waiting in a line of people with unnatural hair colors, tattoos, and painful-looking piercing is unavoidable, but it's necessary to get a good spot or seat. Concert lines can be fun, however. I once learned the proper procedure for getting those sticky labels off new CDs in a concert line. Another time I listened to the drummer for Zebrahead talk to these people for a long time, next to a trash can that smelled really bad.

When you get in the door, you have a decision to make. You can find a seat in the balcony and forfeit any chance you had of catching a drumstick or free demo CD, or you can go into "the pit" and risk being kicked in the head by a crowdsurfer with steel-toed boots. I usually pick the balcony. A good location is usually a high priority, but it can be overtaken by the quality of the opening bands. Once, I was the fourth in the line of weird people, and managed to get the best seat in the balcony, but then I had to sit through the two worst opening bands ever in the history of the world, "Ludo", and "Trebuchet." "Ludo" looked promising at first, since their guitar player was funny, and their keyboard player looked like he was asleep, but they ended up being a really boring band with really boring songs. "Trebuchet" was worse, however. Their lead singer and guitarist apparently had just had his teeth replaced with Play-Do, and was afflicted with laryngitis, because nobody could understand a word he said, except for "This next song is going on the [inaudible words] compilation." Their drummer also sang some songs, which was better, but then he got tired from not breathing enough, and the low-talker took over again. It was finally worth it when the headlining band, Reel Big Fish, took the stage (in pirate costumes), but next time I see "Trebuchet" on the schedule, I'll show up late and take my chances with the crowdsurfers.

It's not like all opening bands are bad. I've seen the band Zebrahead open twice, and they're great. But, the main event is the headliners' show, and enjoying that is up to the individual. Hopefully they play all your favorite songs, and they don't get into a fight in the middle of the show and break up and never play together again. That's relatively rare. Barring that, live shows give you a little something extra that the studio versions of songs don't. There might be different lyrics are extra verses that didn't make the cut due to length or censorship requirements, plus the banter between the band members between songs is often entertaining. Once I saw the band 311 play, and in the middle of one song they started carrying their instruments off one-by-one, leaving the drummer in a solo. Then, they all came back with their own drums, and proceeded to do a 10-minute drum bit, with an accompanying light show. It was pretty cool. At a live show, you also have the chance of getting a free drumstick or guitar pick or something if you're down on the floor, since band members tend to throw those off the stage after the encore.

Once the lights go off after the last song is played, it's a good idea to get out of there; parking is a mess. If you're waiting on a ride, be sure to buy a T-shirt or CD from the merchandise guy before you leave; you'll want to remember the event. After a concert is a good time to catch up on sleep - usually, you're partially deaf after you walk out of the venue, so take advantage of the peaceful quiet if you're not driving. Once, I fell asleep standing in an elevator at a hotel in Kansas City after a Zebrahead/ Reel Big Fish concert. I woke up at the lobby floor, but it makes for a good story.

Live music can be a cool thing to see if you're properly prepared - you don't want to make a long trip and find out you left your tickets on the dresser or something, and you don't want to be stuck waiting for the masses of scary people with tattoos to get out of the parking lot. You'll probably have to wait until next year for the tour to come back around, so during that time you should listen to the pre-recorded versions of your favorite band's music.